Behind The Game MGS
by Shade Wolf
Summary: Behind The Game looks again at Metal Gear Solid, but this time it's the first one! Jinkies, Uncle Pete, it's darn tootin! Read and review, if you like the funny.
1. Robots?

(Shade, Fade and Courtney are all sitting around, playing Final Fantasy X-2)  
  
Shade: Let's see, I need a new fic to work on. What should it be?  
  
Courtney: Uh, a sappy love fic about what happened after Shadow Moses?  
  
Shade: I'm going to ignore that idea. Next?  
  
Fade: Some pathetic one-off fic parodying a movie or TV show?  
  
Shade: No, SamandMax already have that market covered...  
  
Courtney: A stupid one with Swiss guards and a drunken ninja?  
  
Shade: Again, ignoring you. Who would be pathetic enough to do something like that?  
  
Mike Meechan: Ahoy!  
  
Fade: How about a prequel to your award-winning fic 'Behind The Game- MGS2', but about, get this, MGS?  
  
Courtney: I hate it.  
  
Shade: You're pushing your luck, doll-face. I'm not playing for the female market here. Darkness In The Light covers that market.  
  
Fade: I know dude. Ronin falling in love with Balwan? I thought she was 15 or something in Darkness Before The Fall!  
  
Shade: Hmm, better fix that with my good friend, Replace Chapter.  
  
Fade: So THAT's why the date of D.I.T.L. changed from 2007 to 2009. I thought I was drunk.  
  
Courtney: Aren't you most of the time?  
  
Fade: Just because I can't hold my beer doesn't mean you can judge.  
  
Courtney: I still think that my idea of a sappy love fic would be good.  
  
Shade: FINE! We'll try your idea if this 'prequel' idea works.  
  
Fade: Will I finally get my name in the credits?  
  
Shade: Eat shit and die, asshole.  
  
----------  
  
(cut to opening trailers and credits)  
  
SHADE WOLF ENTERPRISES PRESENTS...  
  
BEHIND THE GAME- METAL GEAR SOLID  
  
Part I  
  
Le Auditions  
  
(cut to Snake and the Colonel sitting down)  
  
Snake: Remember how we decided to start this game, Roy?  
  
Colonel: Oh yeah. I remember it like it was last week...  
  
(fade out)  
  
(fade in on Snake and Colonel Campbell sitting down like before. However, both now have huge handlebar moustaches)  
  
Snake: Hey, Colonel, how about we start a game about a Metal Gear, but with 3D goodness.  
  
Colonel: But then everyone will see how fat I am!  
  
Snake: No, you won't be 3D in it.  
  
Colonel: Can I be played by a woman?  
  
Snake: What?  
  
Colonel: A sexy woman?  
  
Snake: No, so shut up.  
  
Colonel: But Campbell wants some boo-tay!  
  
Snake: QUIET!  
  
Colonel: Fine. Then who'll play me?  
  
Snake: You'll play yourself!  
  
Colonel: Oh, is THAT how it is. Bet you're going to get a sexy woman to be you.  
  
Snake: No, but that is a brilliant idea! Let's call a bunch of women and ask them to act in the game!  
  
Colonel: Sexy women?  
  
Snake: But of course.  
  
Colonel: I'm getting that feeling.  
  
Snake: *grinning* It's great, isn't it?  
  
Colonel: It feels like a koala has crapped a rainbow in my brain!  
  
Snake: *grin fading* That doesn't sound good.   
  
Colonel: *tears at hands* MY HANDS! I CAN'T GET THEM OFF MY WRISTS! OH GOD!  
  
Snake: *eyebrow raised* Did you eat paint as a child?  
  
Colonel: You mean wall candy?  
  
(fade out)  
  
(fade in on Snake and Campbell, in normal mode)  
  
Snake: Good times.  
  
Colonel: Why did we shave off those great moustaches?  
  
Snake: You know, the... incident.  
  
Colonel: You mean the... incident?  
  
Snake: Aye.  
  
Colonel: THE... incident?  
  
Snake: We get the picture, Roy.  
  
Colonel: Okay. Anyway, what's next?  
  
Snake: Mei Ling's interview.  
  
Colonel: What happened to the other people?  
  
Snake: They were unqualified.  
  
Colonel: She was the only one who slept with you, huh?  
  
Snake: You know it!  
  
*they high five*  
  
(fade out)  
  
(fade in on Snake at a desk, Mei Ling opposite him)  
  
Snake: Now then, Miss Ling, I'm going to have to ask you a few questions.  
  
Mei Ling: You know what they say, 'Questions makes the heart grow fonder'  
  
Snake: Isn't it absence?  
  
Mei Ling: *shrugs* I'm easy.  
  
Snake: I figured that out last night! *open mouth smile*  
  
Mei Ling: Quiet.  
  
Snake: All right. Now then, we need you to be able to recite some good quotes for various situations. Here's the first one: I'm surrounded on all sides by enemy guards. I call you to save, and your final quote is...?  
  
Mei Ling: 'Take four red capsules, in ten minutes take two more. Help is on the way.'  
  
Snake: Explanation...?  
  
Mei Ling: The capsules are red with blood lust your enemies have for you, and first four capsules represent the four states of mind you should be in before battle- calm, controlled, ready and on guard. The next two capsules represent two other things you should be, locked and loaded. The help that is on way is your own spirit, ready to help at a moments notice.  
  
Snake: Very good. And, second situation, if I was being attacked by a huge, ugly Native American with a machine gun, what would you say?  
  
Mei Ling: 'L'hippo a pique' ses pantalons.'  
  
Snake: Which means?  
  
Mei Ling: You should be like the French- arrogant and headstrong, ready to fight in the face of insurmountable odds!  
  
Snake: Excellent. And finally, I'm in my underwear and strapped to a torture device. You say...?  
  
Mei Ling: 'Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.'  
  
Snake: Which means?  
  
Mei Ling: You should be sniffing glue.  
  
Snake: Now THAT was deep. You're hired!  
  
(fade out)  
  
(fade in on Snake, Colonel and Mei Ling)  
  
Colonel: Yep, you were the right girl for the job.  
  
Mei Ling: ^_^ Thank you!  
  
Colonel: Don't mention it.  
  
Snake: (watching TV) Guys, what do you think about all this robot stuff?  
  
Colonel: GOOD LORD! Are we under attack?!  
  
Snake: No... that robot monkey, on the news.  
  
Colonel: You're kidding. That guy's a robot monkey?  
  
Snake: ...No. But, would you ever put your brain in a robot body?  
  
Colonel: Why? I like my body. Ha, I love my body.  
  
Snake: Well, you'd never get old, or sick.  
  
Mei Ling: What are you guys talking about?  
  
Snake: Robot bodies. But you know, Roy, your robot body would be the perfect man. Handsome, strong...  
  
Colonel: Well... could my robot body be a, um, beautiful woman?  
  
Snake: Uhhh.... yeah, sure.  
  
Colonel: Then you'd better believe I'd put my brain in a robot's body!  
  
(Vulcan Raven comes in)  
  
Raven: Hey guys. What're you talking about?  
  
Snake: You're not supposed to be here yet! You're up next! And we're talking about putting your brain in a robots body.  
  
Raven: Robot body? No way! That goes against the natural order.  
  
Snake: Well, you'd have the strength of five men.  
  
Raven: I got that now!  
  
Colonel: Not five men, five gorillas! But, since you're that strong, if you try to pet a kitten, you'd crush it.  
  
Raven: Oh no! Poor kitty!  
  
Colonel: Yeah.  
  
Raven: Would I still have my chiselled Inuit good looks?  
  
Snake: You'd look exactly the same.  
  
Colonel: Not me, I'm going to be a Sarah Michelle Gellar-bot!  
  
Snake: Roy, please. (to Raven) You look the same, but you're only five feet tall.  
  
Raven: Five feet! Why so short?  
  
Snake: Because... that's as big as they come? Anyway, we'll keep talking after this clip of me hiring Raven.  
  
(fade out)  
  
(fade in on Raven at a shooting range with Snake)  
  
Snake: All right, Mr. Nahasapimapetalon, just fire at the targets, we'll see how powerful you are.  
  
Raven: Very well.  
  
(Raven opens fire on the targets)  
  
Raven: RARGH!!!  
  
(he finishes; everything in a 90-degree arc in front of him is destroyed)  
  
Snake: Nice job. You, my friend, are hired.  
  
Raven: BOOYAH!  
  
(fade out)  
  
(fade in on Snake, Colonel, Raven and Mei Ling talking. Meryl rushes in)  
  
Meryl: GUYS! TERRORISTS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE BUILDING! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!  
  
Colonel: A Geller-bot would take those terrorists down easily with her laser beam eyes.  
  
Snake: You won't have laser beam eyes, okay?  
  
Raven: What about... x-ray vision?  
  
Snake: Yeah... you'll have that.  
  
Colonel: Oh, I can't have laser beam eyes, but he gets X-ray vision?  
  
Snake: Okay, everybody gets X-ray vision.  
  
Colonel: Yeah, and big chainsaw hands! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!  
  
Raven: Can I control-  
  
Colonel: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!  
  
Raven: Can I control my x-ray vision?  
  
Snake: So, you can look through people's clothes?  
  
Raven: Yeah, but I don't want to see a bunch of guts and bones. Just the-  
  
Colonel: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!  
  
Snake: Shut up! (to Raven) Anyway, why else would you have it?  
  
Meryl: Christ, I'm going to have robots looking at my-  
  
Colonel: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!  
  
Snake: No, you'll have a... hold on.  
  
(right hooks Colonel, silencing him)  
  
Snake: Anyway, you'll have a cloaking device.  
  
Colonel: (gets up) But you have to choose. X-ray vision, or that... cloak thing.  
  
Raven: The strength of five gorillas, and X-ray vision! But why so short?  
  
Snake: That's as big as they come!  
  
Raven: I heard you! But I can chew nails, and shoot 'em out as bullets, right?  
  
Snake: Nails, chains... you won't have titanium teeth for nothing!  
  
Colonel: Nails are like candy to robots! And we'll eat tires instead of liquorice.  
  
Meryl: Guh! No we won't!  
  
Colonel: Maybe YOU won't. Now it's time for your audition tape.  
  
(fade out)  
  
(fade in on Snake and Meryl, each on one side of a desk)  
  
Snake: Now then, Miss Clancy, I need you to rehearse a few lines I wrote for you.  
  
Meryl: Oh, all right... *ahem* Make love to me Snake!  
  
Snake: And again. *hands move under desk*  
  
Meryl: Make love to me Snake!  
  
Snake: *voice is higher pitched* And again...  
  
Meryl: Make love to me Snake!  
  
Snake: Urgh! *looks down, wipes hands on paper and sighs* All right, you're hired.  
  
Meryl: What were you doing just then?  
  
Snake: Uh... cleaning.  
  
Meryl: You seemed to be grunting quite a bit.  
  
Snake: Very difficult cleaning. And sticky.  
  
Meryl: Uh... huh... do I have to work with you?  
  
Snake: We're still contemplating whether my character will be a naked woman. Or man, depending on the fan girls.  
  
(fade out)  
  
(fade in on everyone continuing to talk about robots. Liquid has joined them)  
  
Liquid: Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body, and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?  
  
Mei Ling: Humans! You have a human brain.  
  
Snake: But... the humans discriminate against you. You can't even vote!  
  
Raven: We'd better not have to live on a reservation. That would really chap my caboose.  
  
Colonel: Yeah, but... Nobody knows you're a robot. You look the same.  
  
Meryl: Mm-mm, dogs know. That's how the humans hunt you.  
  
Liquid: *shocked* They're gonna hunt me for sport?!  
  
Raven: That's why we have to crush mankind! So you might as well get on board for the big win, Liquid.  
  
Liquid: True... so, before we introduce another zany character, let's go to how I got hired!  
  
Snake: As un-roboty as that is, we might as well.  
  
(fade out)  
  
(fade in on Liquid on a movie review show with another guy)  
  
Guy: Hi there, I'm Guy Hawkins, and I'm talking movies with Liquid Snake, as part of his audition for a new game.  
  
Liquid: Thanks, Guy.  
  
Guy: Anyway, Liquid, what did you think of 'Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King'?  
  
Liquid: That movies rocked my world, although it did have some failings, like that awful spin-off book series that introduced all sorts of shit, and all of that slash pictures involving Haldir giving Legolas sexual favours in the middle of the woods. I'd have to give it 7 out of 10 One Rings.  
  
(A/N: Not that I ever look at that slash stuff. *run*)  
  
Guy: Pretty good. What about The Last Samurai?  
  
Liquid: That movie was all right, but not great. I'm giving it 7 Samurai.  
  
(A/N: The plural of samurai is samurai. Just like the plural of ninja is ninja. Idiots.)  
  
Guy: 7? But you gave that the LotR, and you said that movie rocked!  
  
Liquid: Yes, but I was grading The Last Samurai out of 17 Samurai.  
  
Guy: That's an odd rating system.  
  
Liquid: Next movie?  
  
Guy: Fine, uh, The Matrix Revolutions?  
  
Liquid: A fine example of movie making. 1 Matrix.  
  
Guy: That's a terrible score!  
  
Liquid: It's out of a possible 1 Matrix, Guy! Get with it!  
  
Guy: Your rating system is terrible!  
  
Liquid: No way! My rating system is the best! I'm giving it 39 out of 39 in Rating Systems!  
  
Guy: Just leave, all right? My show is far too good for this crap.  
  
Liquid: Oh yeah?! Well your show stinks! I'm giving it 27 Lil' Guys!  
  
Guy: *impressed* Hey, 27, not half bad.  
  
Liquid: But it's out of a possible 789 Lil' Guys! Eat that!  
  
Guy: Get out.  
  
(fade out)  
  
(fade in on the usual robot people talking to each other. Otacon walks in)  
  
Otacon: Hey, I got a few conditions on this robot thing. I'll only put my brain in a robot body, if I can put it in a robot cat.  
  
Snake: Um, okay. But, but remember, you'll have the strength of five gorillas.  
  
Mei Ling: Why settle for a cat, Hal? You could be a robot, mmm, tiger!  
  
Raven: No way! If I have to be five-feet-nothing, Hal can't be a tiger!  
  
Colonel: You're not the boss of tiger-bot Hal!  
  
Raven: Then he has to live in a robot zoo! Hear that, Hal? The zoo! Hah!  
  
Otacon: Well then I will stay human!  
  
Snake: Don't expect any mercy during the Great Robot Wars.  
  
Otacon: Yeah? Well, have fun on the robot reservation, suckers! We're not gonna honour those bogus treaties! I will see you, in He-  
  
*Snake right hooks Otacon*  
  
Snake: He's right. They will screw us.  
  
Raven: Listen! ... It's time to get serious.  
  
Colonel: Yeah, enough of this talk! Let's... kill the human.  
  
Meryl: It's against the law!  
  
Raven: What's the law going to do about it?  
  
Mei Ling: Let's ask Ocelot, he'll know!  
  
Snake: But before that, let's take a look at how Otacon became part of the gang.  
  
Otacon: (gets up) I just hacked my way into your sheets and put myself down as your number one pick.  
  
Snake: Oh yeah. Not really interesting at all. Anyway, OCELOT!  
  
(Ocelot walks in)  
  
Ocelot: Yes?  
  
Raven: What will the penalty for a robot harming a human be?  
  
Ocelot: *ahem* The penalty for a robot harming a human will be one thousand years, frozen in carbonite!  
  
Liquid: A thousand years frozen in carbonite?! It'll be so cold!  
  
Colonel: My nipples are hard just thinking about it.  
  
Liquid: I'd kill myself!  
  
Meryl: Hel-looo? That's also against the law!  
  
Colonel: Damn laws! I just don't know if I wanna live a thousand years. Even as a Sarah Michelle Gellar-bot... with hard nipples.  
  
Raven: Plus, self-termination? Hey, I gotta tell ya, it's a sin in the eyes of the Robot Church.  
  
Colonel: We don't need Rome telling us what to do!  
  
Snake: Wait! If we're robots, we'll have mechanics! They could shut us down, permanently.  
  
Mei Ling: No-no-no-no-no-no! Your robot body would go crazy and kill them all!  
  
Raven: With the strength of five gorillas!  
  
Liquid: And then it's back to the carbonite.  
  
Colonel: And there go my nipples again.  
  
Meryl: God, it's so depressing. Being trapped in carbonite.   
  
*long silence*  
  
Mei Ling: *gasp* What if you get a brain tumor?!  
  
Liquid: Yeah, a big-ass tumor!  
  
Snake: No... your robot body's a brain surgeon.  
  
Colonel: That's crap. It's not gonna be a brain surgeon.  
  
Raven: If it can't break the five-foot barrier, it can't be a brain surgeon.  
  
Snake: Yes it can! If Otacon can be a giant tiger-bot, what's a little-  
  
Raven: Hal is going to stay human. He'll die in the first war.  
  
Colonel: Unless he's a tiger-bot already!!!  
  
(long pause)  
  
Colonel: It could happen.  
  
(Cyborg Ninja runs in)  
  
Ninja: Whew, tough to get in here with all these terrorists in the building and stuff.  
  
Snake: Ninja, we're talking about being robots here. So piss off.  
  
(Psycho Mantis floats in)  
  
Mantis: Lotta terrorists out there. Anyway, what's this about robots?  
  
(Sniper Wolf follows)  
  
Wolf: Ignorant terrorists looking at my boobies... But, are we talking about robots?  
  
(Naomi runs in, covered in blood)  
  
Naomi: *pant* Whew, tough fight, but I just killed all those terrorists AND diffused a bomb 30 seconds before it would blow up and kill us all! So, I was walking along with my scalpel, right, and-  
  
Mantis: Yeah-yeah-yeah. Hey, will my robot body have hair?  
  
Snake: Just on your back, like you do now.  
  
Mei Ling: Gross! But wait, wait... what's with robot sex?  
  
Ninja: Yeah baby! Knockin' those robot boots!  
  
Meryl, Raven and Liquid: (chants) Go robot! Go robot!  
  
Ninja: Yeah!  
  
Naomi: Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! I almost DIED out there saving your sorry butts!  
  
Snake: The operative word being 'almost'.  
  
Naomi: Shut up! All you ever talk about is robots. "Can they have hair?" "Can they have sex?" The answer to these questions would quite possibly drive you all insane!  
  
Mei Ling: You don't have to bite my head off! I'm just asking.  
  
Liquid: Yeah, who died and made you robot expert?  
  
Naomi: That's it! Auugh!!!  
  
(Naomi rips open her lab coat to reveal her bare chest, then pulls that open to reveal a robot body underneath. Beepy noises are heard. Everyone gasps in shock)  
  
Meryl: Oh my god!  
  
Raven: Mother Nature be damned!  
  
Liquid: Holy Big Boss, she's a robot!  
  
Naomi: That's right people, I... am a cyborg. My weak body couldn't deal with the viruses of the 21st century. So, using my I.Q. of two hundred and sixty - that's two-six-oh! - I built a superfly cybernetic host body for my brain. And I became this bastard child of science and humanity. And I'm standing here, naked. But I'm not asking forgiveness, and I don't want your pity!! I just want your understanding, your acceptance. I'm just asking for your... frienshi-  
  
(suddenly the place explodes after all)  
  
(cut to a funeral. Shade stands at the podium, in front of every Metal Gear Solid fan fiction writer)  
  
Shade: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of all these fine men and women. Their lives were lost after someone crammed too many eggs into a microwave. A really big microwave. I welcome you to come out and pay your respects.  
  
(people start lining up. futuresuperstar is up first)  
  
futuresuperstar: *sniff* I'll miss you Snake and Otacon, and I will remember you... *turns and speaks to the camera* In my greatest fic ever, Metal Gear Solid III: Dawn of the Concealed! I'm 14 years old, and yet I write like someone who's at least 16! Ain't I good? People put me down for having my aspirations too high, and putting corny jokes in my summary, but you know what they say, that-  
  
Shade: *shoots her with an M9* You talk too much. Next!  
  
(TheFluffyOne goes up)  
  
Fluffy: I loved you all so damn much! Especially you, Mei Ling! I'll make sure to rape your corpse.  
  
Shade: *shoots him* Eww. Next!  
  
(everyone follows, and everyone is shot)  
  
Shade: Well, that wraps it up, I only wish Lady Croft replied to my invitation. Oh well, she's a working lass and all. *under his breath* stupid woman, won't reply to my mail...  
  
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Shade: Ha ha, fun times were had by all. But that's not the end! No sir! Next time we feature the rest of the tapes, and another hilarious plot that doesn't involve robots. Ha ha ha! Read and review if you want the first three comics in The Death Duel series! Only three takers so far! C'mon, you inbred hippies, review! Look at futuresuperstar, she updates almost every day and she's gotten 46 reviews! What is that?! Ignore her, and get some chuckles with yer ol' pal Simon! 


	2. The Predator!

**Shade:** Hoo hah, you primates! Another joke-a-minute chapter of your favourite insane fiction, Behind The Game! And, so you know, every episode will end with everyone dieing and then a funeral. How do they become reincarnated, you ask? A wizard did it. And that's all you need to know.

Disclaimer: You know.

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**IPPIKIOOKAMI INDUSTRIES PRESENT...**

BEHIND THE GAME PART II La Partie Deux D'Auditions 

(cut to the Colonel watching TV. He is watching The Simpsons at the moment)

**TV Homer:** Mmm, free goo.

**TV Bart:** Don't have a cow, man.

**TV Marge:** Hrmmmmm...

**TV Lisa:** I like books.

(the Colonel changes the channel again. Now he's watching an interview with Michael Jackson)

**TV Interviewer:** Now, Michael, I hear you've finally been inundated for you crimes.

**TV Michael:** Oh please, man, they're just persecuting me for my heritage.

**TV Interviewer:** So you're playing the race card?

**TV Michael:** I just think that the always-whites should apologise for all the crimes they've commited against the recently whites.

**Colonel:** Heh heh heh, that darn Jackson...

(he changes the channel again. Now it's a live video feed from Otacons computer lab, and a shaking, panicky Otacon)

**Otacon:** _(on screen)_ The huge monster's still on the loose! He's killing everybody!

_(hideous growling in the background)_

**Colonel:** Uh huh.

**Otacon:** _(on screen)_ I fear for my life!

_(human screams are heard in the background)_

**Mantis:** _(O/C)_ HAL!

**Otacon:** _(on screen)_ Oh shit!

**Mantis:** _(O/C)_ HELP!

**Otacon:** _(on screen)_ Oh no! Damn you, monster!

_(the Colonel and Snake watch the feed on the TV)_

**Colonel:** Hey, what's THAT all about?

**Snake:** The monster, Roy.

_(long pause)_

**Snake:** Ate half the cast, cracked open their bones, sucked out the marrow...?

**Colonel:** Shut up.

_(Liquid runs in)_

**Liquid:** The Hell-spawn fiend has struck again! The sixth floor is a bloodbath!

**Colonel:** What the heck's going on around here?

**Liquid:** The monster. Don't you remember, Campbell?  It all started last week!

_(Ripple dissolve to Liquid, standing in the same spot, but with a big, blonde, handlebar moustache)_

**Liquid:** A monster has entered the building! He's killing everyone in sight!

_(Colonel sports an identical moustache, only his is white)_

**Colonel:** AAAAAAH! Ready my escape helicoptor!

(Snake has a moustache identical to the rest, but his is brown)

**Snake:** It's no good! It's smashed the helicoptors! We're trapped!

**Colonel:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-

(Ripple-dissolve back to present-day Colonel, still screaming)

**Colonel:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Whew, oh yeah, now I remember. So, uh, uh, where are we on that?

**Liquid:** On the flesh-eating monster?

**Colonel:** The WHAT?!

**Liquid:** THE BLOODSUCKING ALIEN!

**Colonel:** Ha ha, I know, I gotcha!

(a series of growls and screams are heard from outside)

**Snake:** Monster got another one!

**Colonel:** The WHAT?!

**Snake:** Please, stop saying "the what" when we say "the monster!"

_(long pause)_

**Colonel:** ... The WHAT?!

**Liquid:** ROY! FOR GOD'S SAKES!

(Naomi enters)

**Naomi:** I may have a plan to kill the monster. I got some of its DNA off of Raven's bones, and we just might be able to kill it if we change the building's air supply! Snake,-

**Snake:** Yes, yes, we'll discuss your plan after we show your audition tape!

_(fade out)_

(fade in on Naomi and Snake)

**Snake:** Now then, Miss Tinkle, we need to test your abilities as a doctor.

**Naomi:** Alright.

**Snake:** Now then, what breakthroughs have you made in the field of medical research?

**Naomi:** I invented a cure for hiccups.

**Snake:** Very good.

**Naomi:** I also invented a cure for the 'green apple splatters'.

**Snake:** And...?

**Naomi:** Well, there was the pill I made that would cure every single disease and affliction known to humankind.

**Snake:** WOW! What'd you call it?

**Naomi:** 'Placebo'

(long silence)

**Snake:** I like you. You're hired.

_(fade out)_

(fade in on the situation we had before- the Colonel, Liquid, Snake and Naomi are discussing a plan with Otacon, the latter being shown via video feed)

**Otacon:** _(on screen)_ ...When I find you, I'm gonna... tickle your insides-

**Snake:** Otacon.

**Otacon:** _(on screen)_ - with all my fingers!!

**Snake:** Otacon!

**Otacon:** _(on screen)_ I'm gonna pull your legs off!! And I'm gonna-

**Snake:** OTACON!

**Otacon:** (on screen, suddenly calm) What?

**Snake:** Shut your pie hole!

**Otacon:** _(on screen)_ Okay.

**Naomi:** Hal, reduce the oxygen levels by 80 percent!

**Otacon:** _(on screen)_ Okay. (his hands move a slider switch down)

**Naomi:** And triple the helium levels.

**Otacon:** Uh... ok... (moves another slider switch up)

**Naomi:** I said triple the helium! Triple it, damn you!

**Otacon:** Okay. (moves the slider up again)

**Naomi:** You see, the monster's lungs... (her voice suddenly raises in pitch) ...they won't be able to process the helium.  So his cell walls are gonna begin to collapse-

**Colonel:** (high-pitched helium voice) Ha ha, listen to your- oh my God, listen to my voice! *smiling* Hello, my name is Mister Squeaky!

**Naomi:** (even higher pitched) Colonel, please! This is serious!  Hal, gimme a reading!

**Colonel:** Oh, yeah, we gotta hear what Hal sounds like!

**Otacon:** (on screen, and seriously high-pitched) Uhmm, it's yellow...

(the guys, watching Otacon, erupts into uncontrollable laughter)

**Otacon:** (on screen, and amazingly squeaky) ... Now it's completely red... yellow again, and... look at this crazy thing go...

(A green cloaked-predator arm grabs Otacon from behind and pulls him off screen, where Otacon does some of the highest-pitched screaming in history.  The guys are still laughing.  The predator slides the switch back up, and the atmosphere is returned to normal.)

**Snake:** (gradually returning to normal pitch) What a bust. *to Naomi* Hey, you got any ideas that don't suck?

**Naomi:** (still laughing) A-ha, a-ho, oh ho-ho-ho, oh-ho-ho, oh-hooo, ohh... hey! Ocelot has seen a lot of weird stuff. Maybe he can help.

_(fade out)_

(fade in on Decoy Octopus and Mei Ling sitting by the edge of an indoor swimming pool. Snake enters)

**Snake:** Hey, have you two seen Ocelot?

**Octopus:** No, just his bloody trenchcoat.

**Mei Ling:** And what we think was a nose.

**Octopus:** Eww.

**Snake:** Well, we gotta find him. Or what's left of him.

**Octopus:** Great idea! We'll look in the pool!

**Snake:** Wait! He's not in the-

(Solidus and Rosemary dive in)

**Snake:** ... pool.

(camera moves underwater, where Octopus and Mei Ling talk over CODEC)

**Mei Ling:** Oh, we shouldn't have ditched Snake.

**Octopus:** Hey, he brought this upon himself.

**Mei Ling:** What? How?

**Octopus:** Listen, baby, you need to relax!

**Mei Ling:** I can't relax around you!

**Octopus:** Well, you'd better learn.  Because if that monster eats everyone else, we'll have to repopulate the building.

**Mei Ling:** Eww! That's disgusting!

**Octopus:** Is it, Mei Ling? ... Mei Ling?

**Mei Ling:** What?!

_(pause)_

**Octopus:** ... Is it?

**Mei Ling:** Yes! Now quit touching my leg!

(The predator is in the pool. We now see Octopus and Mei Ling from the monster's point of view, in Predator-vision, all orange body-heat and such, with monster hands reaching out for them.)

**Octopus:** You're touching my leg!

**Mei Ling:** (looks down) Oh my God! The monster!

**Octopus:** Save me!

(they both scream for their lives. The pool water turns blood-red as they scream their last. Fade out)

(fade in on Snake walking into Sniper Wolfs hastily-made surgery. Sniper Wolf is standing over a patient on a table. The patient's face is blocked from view by an arrangement of sheets.  Life support machines are heard in the background.)

**Snake:** Hey, Wolf. Have you seen Ocelot?

**Wolf:** Yeah, come on over. He's right here.

(the patient is Ocelot. Snake can see what we can't, and is quite disgusted.)

**Snake:** Augh! Ohh! AUGGGGHHH!

**Wolf:** Just talk to the hole in his forehead.

**Snake:** Oh.

**Wolf:** That's his new ear.

**Snake:** Shouldn't he be in surgery?

**Wolf:** Just came from surgery! Twelve hours!

**Snake:** I didn't know you were a surgeon.

**Wolf:** I read 'Massive Reconstruction Surgery For Dummies'.

**Snake:** Better then most surgeons I know. But, uh, where's his... face?

**Wolf:** I would say it's in the monster's belly or, somewhere lower in the gastrointestinal canal if in fact that monster does have one of those. I don't know. I don't know the anatomy of a monster. I know human beings and some of the larger canines.

**Snake:** Right. *to Ocelot* Ocelot, you're the only one to face the monster and live... kinda. What can you tell us? How can we defeat him?

**Ocelot:** *replies with hideous unintelligible gurgling, gagging and bubbling throat noises*

**Snake:** *listening intently* Right.

**Ocelot:** *more horrid gurgling*

**Snake:** Mmm hmm.

**Ocelot:** *more gurgling and burbling*

**Snake:** Uh huh.

**Ocelot:** *more gurgling*

**Snake:** I'm sorry, could you repeat that?

**Ocelot:** *still more gurgling*

**Snake:** I see.

**Ocelot:** *gurgles away*

**Snake:** Sure.

**Ocelot:** *gurgles*

**Snake:** Yes! It's crazy enough to work! Thanks, Ocelot!

**Ocelot:** *gurgles a question*

**Snake:** No! No, no... you look good! *grimaces* Looking good... looking good, Ocelot... good looking Ocelot. You look just as good as you did at your audition.

(Snake quickly leaves the room)

**Ocelot:** *gurgles a question at Wolf*

**Wolf:** Yes, I'm sure you're quite thirsty indeed. But until the sutures have-

(suddenly, we see Sniper Wolf in Predator-vision)

**Wolf:** Oh my God! Welcome to my surgery, you magnificent creature! You must be good, as you got past my wolves!

(back in normal vision, the monster spits a green substance into Sniper Wolfs eyes)

**Wolf:** Yeeeeowwwoww! *still content* You have spit some sort of corrosive substance directly into my eyes! You are a perfect killing machine! And I for one am honoured to be among your helpless-

(the monster extends a curved blade from its arm, and goes to work on Wolf. We fade out. Even though the screen is black, we still hear Wolf flattering the monster in between screams and slices)

(fade in on Vulcan Raven in a go-kart, driving towards Wolfs surgery while carrying his minigun)

Raven: Hang tight, Wolf! I'll pump that bastard so full of lead, you could use his dick as a pencil! *starts singing 'Ride Of The Valkyries' from Apocalypse Now* Dun-dun da-da da da, dun da-da da da...

(he drives the go-kart offscreen)

Raven: _(O/C)_ Oh fuck! Mother nature no! Not there, it doesn't fit- YEEEEEAAAAARRRGGGGH!

(the go-kart is driven back on-screen by the monster)

(cut to Liquid and the Colonel watching the monster on a screen in the control room)

**Colonel:** Oh, nice job Raven! Now that fucking thing has wheels!

_(fade out)_

(fade in on Snake in the boiler room with Grey Fox)

**Grey Fox:** *speaks his insane psycho-babble*

**Snake:** *reassuringly* That's why I'm putting you in here. It's the safest place! Now, I've gotta go, and get rid of that mean old monster.

**Grey Fox:** *speaks his insane psycho-babble*

**Snake:** Ah, don't worry about me, I'll be back! Who's your number one buddy, huh?   Huh? Who's number one?

**Grey Fox:** *speaks his insane psycho-babble*

**Snake:** Okay.

**Grey Fox:** *speaks his insane psycho-babble*

**Snake:** Sure! We'll go see the turtles, I promise! Now, just to be extra safe, I need you to put on that vest.

**Grey Fox:** *speaks his insane psycho-babble, and puts on a vest that reveals to be made out of meat, with sausage straps*

**Snake:** Hey, looking sharp! *winks and exits*

_(fade out)_

(fade in on Snake, Liquid and the Colonel watch the video feed from the boiler room from the control room)

**Colonel:** So, it's just us three and the crazy guy left, right?

**Snake:** Yeah, but don't worry. This plan is foolproof.

**Colonel:** How's that go again?

**Snake:** Using ninja boy as bait, we lure the monster into the boiler room, where the heating fire burns.

**Liquid:** Nice touch with the meat vest!

(on screen, Grey Fox babbles)

**Liquid:** That's right, crazy boy! Burn both your brain cells!

**Snake:** After the monster goes in there, we fill the room with gas. BOOM! That place goes off like the fourth of July.

**Colonel:** What about crazy horse, there?

**Snake:** Who cares?

**Colonel:** Right! Liquid, can you get us more of a view of the boiler room?

(the computer appears to be covered in a brown, sticky liquid)

**Liquid:** *digusted* Hang on, someone spilled chocolate juice all over the electronics!

(Colonel sips a glass of chocolate juice)

**Liquid:** I just gotta- gzzazzz!

(Liquid touches a knob on the computer and gets violently electrocuted. He slumps over the computer, dead. The picture disappears from the monitor)

**Colonel:** Jeez, way to go Liquid! You broke the monitor, AND you're dead! Happy?

(one final bolt of electricity zaps through Liquids body, causing him to twitch. The picture returns to the screen)

**Colonel:** Oh, okay, that fixed it.

**Snake:** *looking at screen* Christ! The monster has taken the bait!

(cut to Grey Fox and the monster. For those of you who don't understand Grey Fox's babble, or Predator speak, subtitles are in [])

**Grey Fox:** [Are you going to eat me?]

**Monster:** [Yeah, that's kinda what I do.]

**Grey Fox:** [How come?]

**Monster:** [Oh... no one has ever asked me that before. They just scream at me. And all that screaming really upsets me. So I eat them.

**Grey Fox:** [No one is ever nice to me, either. It's because I'm... insane.]

**Monster:** [Hey, you're not insane! Just a little creative in your mind.]

**Grey Fox:** [Thanks. You're nice.]

**Monster:** [Will you be my... friend?]

**Grey Fox:** [Yes!]

(the monster and Grey Fox reach out to touch fingertips, ET-style. The monster seems to hesitate)

(we cut to Snake and the Colonel watching this on screen)

**Colonel:** Look! The monster's repulsed by the very insanity of Grey Fox's touch!

**Snake:** But Colonel! This-

**Colonel:** Quiet! Don't you get it?! All we have to do is go insane! And to do that, we must first become disgustingly fat! To the pudding vats!

(we cut back to Grey Fox and the monster. They touch fingers, and there's a spark. Grey Fox withdraws in pain, his finger burnt and blackened)

**Grey Fox:** [Ow! You burnt my finger you ugly stupid stinking monster!]

**Monster:** [Oh no! I'm sorry. Sorry you're so freaking insane!]

**Grey Fox:** [You said I was creative!]

**Monster:** [Guess your insanity passed onto me.]

**Grey Fox:** [I thought we were friends.]

**Monster:** [Insanity makes you do crazy things.]

(the monster dissolves into a beam of light, and zaps away)

(we cut over to Snake and the Colonel outside the food hall)

**Snake:** Uh, I'm not sure about your plan to get really fat, sir. I think-

**Colonel:** Snake!

**Snake:** Yes, sir?

**Colonel:** Is there ever a bad time for pudding?!

*pause*

**Colonel:** SNAKE!

**Snake:** What?

**Colonel:** Is there?

(fade to black)

36 months later...

(fade in. Snake and the Colonel are disgustingly fat and shirtless. They sit at a buffet table piled high with food. They are stuffing their faces)

**Colonel:** Hey, try one of those hams. They're stuffed with hot wings!

**Snake:** Colonel, I can't keep eating like this. And for all we know the monster is long gone.

**Colonel:** Hey! Until we both go insane, the only thing I want to hear from you is "mmm, mmm, mmm..."

**Snake:** Yes, sir. *belches loudly* Too bad about Grey Fox, though.

**Colonel:** Yeah, he tasted terrible.

(both of them erupt into jolly laughter. Suddenly, Snake grimaces)

**Snake:** Ooh, ooh, ooh, stop! My left arm is tingling!

**Colonel:** Uh, maybe this will help! *he farts really loudly and laughs*

**Snake:** Seriously! I'm having... a heart attaaaaa...

(Snake falls off his chair with a loud thump)

**Colonel:** Snake?

(the Colonel wheels his chair over to Snakes lifeless body, putting his arms around it)

**Colonel:** If you don't want me to eat you, say something!

_(pause)_

**Colonel:** Okay.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Shade:** There you have it, the second chapter of Behind the Game. If you want to put in suggestions of any sort, the please post them in a review OR send me an e-mail! And remember to visit my website at:

www.freewebs.com/shadewolf

And as always, review! 


	3. Forum Pimpage!

Hey, folks. Just thought I'd let you all know that there are now forums for all you crazy MGS Fanfcition readers and writers. Just go to:  
  
http://forumer.com/index.php?mforum=ffnetmg  
  
Join up, and let the fun begin!  
  
Catch you on the forums,  
  
-Simon Wolf 


	4. Two Short Stories Around MGS

**Shade:** That's right, my babies, another episode of Behind The Game. Ever notice how the last episode of this didn't really have anything to do with the game? That's right! This is becoming what I like to call a 'random fic'. It has a loose storyline (everyone who was in the game working behind the scenes) but will mostly be random. It's like every other comedy fic!

However, I know you people like reading shit that is 'behind the game', so next time it will be the guys talking about... Snake. Alright?

Disclaimer: Go fuck yourselves.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**BEHIND THE GAME**

**PART IIIA**

**MERYL WANTS A BABY**

(fade into Meryl upright in her bed)

**Meryl:** I gotta have a baby, I gotta have a baby, I gotta have a baby!

(fade out)

(fade in on Nastasha showing a group of children a set used in Metal Gear Solid)

**Nastasha:** This area here was created for the torture scenes. Over here you can see the fake blood used in the ketchup bottle that Snake used to escape with.

**Child 1:** How'd you make fake blood?

**Nastasha:** Good question! The IT technician, Otacon, searched the global archives of a thing called the 'internet'.

**Child 2:** What's an internet?

**Nastasha:** Another good question! Now, for a treat, can anyone tell me what the Internet was, and how it almost destroyed humankind in the year 2004?

(Meryl runs past in her underwear)

**Nastasha:** What the...?

**Meryl:** (O/C) I must have a baby!

**Nastasha:** Sweet Chechnikov, her clock went off! That sweet girl's about to embark on a magical journey. Most powerful thing in the world is the love of a woman for a child.

(a child tugs Nastashas pants)

**Child 3:** Uhmm, Miss Romanenko...

**Nastasha:** Listen fatty! I told you once! You can either hold it, or you can just pee in those fancy clothes you're wearing!

(fade out)

(fade in on Meryl cradling an M4 in her arms by the pool)

**Meryl:** A baby. What was I thinking? I'm a soldier. I'm trained in weapons! Like this little guy! (pats her M4) You my little baby, my cute little-

(the M4 slips and falls into the pool)

**Meryl:** Oh! My baby! My baby my baby!

(cut to Snake, Liquid and Raven walking down the hall outside the pool)

**Snake:** Oh yeah, snowboarding. Well, I'm going Sunday-

**Meryl:** (O/C) Help! Somebody save my baby!

**Liquid:** Come on!

(they run into the pool room, and stand next to Meryl)

**Snake:** Meryl, what's wrong?!

**Meryl:** You gotta save my little baby!

(the M4 is at the bottom of the kiddie-pool)

**Raven:** From what, resting about ten centimetres below water?

**Liquid:** It's not hurting anyone, Meryl, let it stay.

**Meryl:** Why is people who don't have kids are always telling people with kids how to raise-

**Snake:** Kids?! Meryl, are you okay?

**Meryl:** If you're not gonna help, get out of the way! I've got a million things to do! Find a good preschool, and- oh my God- vaccinations! Ohhh!! *screams*

(fade out)

(fade in outside Nastashas room. She and Ocelot stand there, talking)

**Ocelot:** Yeah, so then Meryl just freaked out, and ran down the hall. Yelling about babies.

**Nastasha:** Well, a woman's natural urges can be mighty powerful.

**Ocelot:** Ho, yeah, you said a mouthful there, Nastasha. Heh heh heh. So, umm *rubs head*, how you been?

**Nastasha:** Actually, I have been a little under the weather.

**Ocelot:** Sounds like you need a shot of Vitamin O. *winks*

**Nastasha:** You know, I think I do.

**Ocelot:** It's a pretty big needle.

**Nastasha:** I get it. Come on in.

**Ocelot:** This doctor makes house calls! *winks*

**Nastasha:** I get it!

**Ocelot:** Oh, you're going to get it!

**Nastasha:** Would you just get in here?!

**Ocelot:** Oh, I'm going to get it in there.

**Nastasha:** Alright already!

(fade out)

(fade in on Snake and Liquid talking)

**Snake:** So Mei thinks this is all about her biological clock. And I-

**Liquid:** You mean M? She stopped screaming at you long enough to tell you this?

**Snake:** What are you talking about?!

**Liquid:** See, I identify people by their first initial. So your 'Meryl' is M.

**Snake:** And what do you call Mei Ling?

**Liquid:** *whispers* Asian M.

**Snake:** Whoa whoa whoa, why is she "Asian M"?

**Liquid:** No, not in a bad way. It's just to tell them apart because she's... Asian.

**Snake:** Well why don't you call her M and the other one... *whispers* "White M."

**Liquid:** What?! That's stupid! I already know she's white!

**Snake:** Then why do you call the other "Asian M"? You know she's Asian!

**Liquid:** Hey, first off, I don't think we should be talking about this in front of *whispers* Josh D. Blanco.

(Josh D. Blanco is revealed right next to them)

**Josh:** Ha ha ha! Listen, Liquid, you're missing the point. What is everyone went around calling you "White Liquid"?

**Liquid:** Y-you mean there's an... Asian Liquid?

(long pause)

**Josh:** ... No.

(fade out)

(fade in on all of the male cast sitting down in front of Meryl)

**Meryl:** *still holding the M4 under her arms* Alright, people, listen up. Mother Nature has spoken, and I want to have a baby. Now, I don't have a lot of time, so one of you is gonna be the lucky father.

**Mantis:** Sweet.

**Meryl:** Screening process starts tomorrow, bright and early!

(Meryl leaves)

**Colonel:** So, uh, am I eliminated because I'm her father?

(fade out)

(fade in on Meryl and the Colonel in a meeting room)

**Meryl:** Now, Colonel Campbell.

**Colonel:** Hi!

**Meryl:** Hi. Now, sir, why do you think I should choose you, to father my baby?

**Colonel:** ... Huh? Well, I mean, I thought that you were going to, uh, well I mean, adopt one of us.

**Meryl:** What?!

**Colonel:** Mmm-hmm.

**Meryl:** Colonel, I want one of you to impregnate me.

**Colonel:** ... Okay...

(pause)

(after a moment Meryl sighs and leans over to whisper in the Colonels ear)

**Colonel:** Mmm-hmm...

**Meryl:** *whisper whisper* the man...

**Colonel:** Yeah...

**Meryl:** *whisper whisper* the lady...

**Colonel:** Sure.

**Meryl:** *whisper whisper* baby!

**Colonel:** Well, as long as the baby doesn't touch my stash.

**Meryl:** Your what?!

**Colonel:** Heh heh, *he sticks on a fake handlebar moustache* Moustache.

(fade out)

(fade in on Meryl, cradling the M4 again. She's in staff room, with the big plasma screen TV)

**Meryl:** Next!

(Liquid walks in)

**Liquid:** (holds up a videotape) I've decided to let my tape do the talking.

**Meryl:** *sarcastic* Oh, this will be great.

(the video is put into the VCR and plays. The screen shows Liquid in a Hugh Hefner-style red robe, lounging in an armchair)

**TV Liquid:** Hello ladies, and preferably not, gentlemen. Liquid Snake at your service. But who is Liquid Snake-   

(the image scrambles and is replaced with a live feed from Mantis' lair)

**Mantis:** (on screen) Hey! Mantis wants some sex!

**Liquid:** Bugger off, Mantis! My tape is playing!

**Mantis:** (on screen) Shut up! Meryl, get down here! Give Mantis some sex!

**Liquid:** Mantis, this isn't funny!

**Mantis:** (on screen) It'll be pretty funny when I smash you with a statue!

**Liquid:** Okay, I'm coming down there! *runs out of the room*

**Mantis:** (on screen) Shut up!

**Meryl:** Well now, Mantis...

**Mantis:** (on screen) Shut up!

**Meryl:** Uh, okay... why d you think you'd be a good father?

**Mantis:** (on screen) Ummmm... gimmie a second... *scratches butt* uhh... Sex!

(Otacon comes in and turns off the TV)

**Otacon:** Okay Meryl, forget about Mantis.

**Meryl:** Okay...

**Otacon:** I've got something for you.

**Meryl:** What is it?

**Otacon:** A book.

**Meryl:** What's the book?

**Otacon:** "A Modest Proposal"

**Meryl:** By who?

**Otacon:** Jonathan Swift.

**Meryl:** And what is this book about?

(pause)

**Otacon:** Eating babies.

(cut to Liquid storming down a hallway)

**Liquid:** Stupid Mantis, I'll show him a statue! Now where the hell IS his BDSM room?!

(Mei Ling bumps into him in the hallway)

**Mei Ling:** Oh, hey Liquid!

**Liquid:** Hey Chiii... Mei Ling! *pause* Hey, do you like dim sims?

**Mei Ling:** Now what in the hell is-

(cut to Meryl and Otacon)

**Meryl:** - that supposed to mean?!

**Otacon:** Like veal. Only, babies.

**Meryl:** What?!

**Otacon:** And I'm talking about REAL baby back ribs.

**Meryl:** *disgusted* Ewww!

**Otacon:** See, it all comes-

(cut to Liquid and Mei Ling)

**Liquid:** - down to the fact that you all have more fast-twitch muscle fibre.

**Mei Ling:** Liquid Snake, I have heard some dumb theories in my time, but this is, without a doubt-

(cut to Meryl and Otacon)

**Meryl:** - the foulest thing I have ever heard!

**Otacon:** Rrrrribs! Dripping with sauce!

**Meryl:** That's disgusting!

**Otacon:** Falling off the bone!

**Meryl:** You sick bastard!

**Otacon:** Hey, just trying to help a single mother.

**Meryl:** I am surrounded by freaks!

(the doors open, and Liquid runs in. We hear Mei Ling's angry shouts in the background)

**Liquid:** Man, don't go out there. That Chinese chick is crazy!

**Meryl:** The only way this could possibly get worse-

(the doors open again, and Ocelot enters. Mei Ling is still shouting in the hall)

**Ocelot:** The doctor... is in!

**Meryl:** - is that.

(Ocelot slides off his trench coat and shirt)

**Meryl:** Oh God.

(Ocelot starts up some cowboy music on the staff room boom box)

**Meryl:** Ugh.

(Ocelot, now wearing nothing but a pair of cowboy boots, Speedos and carrying a pistol in each hand)

**Ocelot:** You know you love it. (does a split, and balances on his hands) I got this one... unh...

**Meryl:** Eww!

**Ocelot:** (stands up, turns around and flexes his back muscles) I call this the Russianator!

**Meryl:** Ugh! Yeah, nice backne.

**Ocelot:** Well, what do you think, baby?

(music stops)

**Meryl:** If I ever want an old cowboy freak baby, I'll call you.

**Ocelot:** (starts putting his clothes back on) Yeah, well, he better keep his flippers off my stash.

(The doors open, and Snake walks in. Mei Ling is still screaming her head off out there. Some funky porno-style music starts in the background)

**Snake:** Not so fast, Ocelot. *to Meryl* So, Meryl, last night I put on some classic military orchestra music and fired out 200 5.56 rounds to express my superior paternal qualifications.

**Meryl:** *impressed* 200 rounds?

**Snake:** You like that, don't you baby?

(Snake goes behind Meryl, and they start grinding against each other)

**Meryl:** Oh yeah... yeah!

**Snake:** Then I went to the target range. Fired off some Five-seveN shots.

**Meryl:** Uh-huh!

**Snake:** Let off a few grenades.

**Meryl:** Oh!

**Snake:** You like that?

(they start to grind faster)

**Meryl:** Oh yeah, soldier boy! Yes! Yes!! I love your muscles! They're so strong!

(the Colonel, who has been sitting in a corner the entire time, notices what's going on)

**Colonel:** Jeez, stop that! Mommy, don't talk like that! Get away from my mommy!

(Snake and Meryl stop, and so does the music)

**Meryl:** Man, that was intense. Glad I'm wearing a panty liner.

**Liquid:** What makes Snake so great?!

**Meryl:** Strong men are just... really sexy.

**Liquid:** I'm as strong as him!

**Snake:** Really? I can bench 250.

**Liquid:** ... really?

**Snake:** Why do you think they call me *flexes muscles* 'Solid' Snake?

**Liquid:** Um, I thought it was a nickname. You know, like "Doctor Dre'".  *does a complicated hand signal* East si-ide!

(long pause)

**Otacon:** God, you're stupid.

**Liquid:** Shut your pie hole!

**Otacon:** You shut YOUR pie hole!

(suddenly, though not surprisingly, everyone starts talking at once.)

**Meryl:** SHUT UP!

**Ocelot:** Aah!

(everyone shuts up)

**Meryl:** What was I thinking?! Look at you! To think I was actually gonna let one of you father my baby?! Ha! I could carve a better father out of a pineapple! Who needs a baby? I've got a group of full-grown babies right here! So you can all just forget it!

(fade out)

(fade in on Meryl in bed, and the Colonel is standing next to the bed, taking his clothes off. He's wearing his fake handlebar moustache)

**Colonel:** Do you want the moustache on or off?

**Meryl:** Off, please.

**Colonel:** Too bad.

(fade out)

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**Shade:** Alright, half time break, so go jerk off if you need to. Sick bastards. Anyway, here are a few summary notes on the chapter:

Josh D Blanco- Writes under the name 'jduran89', and is Filipino. I put him in because of that.

"A Modest Proposal"- This was an actual pamphlet done by Jonathan Swift about the famine in Ireland. However, they had a huge boom in the number of babies. So, in a satirical response, he wrote this about how the hunger problem could be solved if they just ate the babies. You would wish I was making this up, but I'm not. Here's a quote from it:

"I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend, or his own family to dine with him."

And now, onto the next half!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**BEHIND THE GAME**

PART IIIB

FENG SHUI VIDEO GAME

(fade in on the Colonel and Otacon in the main control room. The Colonel looks out the window at the bleak Alaskan waste out there and sighs. Otacon keeps looking at hentai on his computer.)

**Colonel:** GUH!

**Otacon:** Aah!

**Colonel:** I am SO sick of this crap tank!

**Otacon:** Man...

**Colonel:** Day in, day out, same old insulated brick and metal walls, same old two-foot thick glass... *taps the glass* keeping the same old stupid high-powered freezing winds from coming inside and killing us all! I need... a CHANGE!

**Otacon:** Uh, I don't think your hair can take another perm, Campbell.

**Colonel:** Nor do I. But I'm talking about Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese study of harmony with one's surroundings.

**Otacon:** Oh yeah, I-

**Colonel:** So, I've hired the best Feng Shui guy in the business to come down here and get my Yin and Yang in balance, 'cause I FRIGGING LOVE HARMONY!!!

(the Colonel moves out of the control room)

**Otacon:** I have got to up his Valium dosage.

(fade out)

(fade in on the Colonel greeting Master Lou, the feng shui expert)

**Colonel:** Welcome to the Konami Alaska HQ, Master Lou!

**Master Lou:** Right, yeah... This place is a dump.

**Colonel:** That's why we're going to rebuild the entire place! The control room, the boiler room, the air filters...

**Master Lou:** Ho, ho, ho, wait, wait. Wait. I know you're excited, but you know Feng Shui costs, like, ungodly amounts of money, alright?

**Colonel:** Whatever, its all taxpayer money. So go nuts! Pad the hell out of it.

**Master Lou:** Heh... yeah, well, don't worry about that.

**Colonel:** First up, my crapper! That's where I really focus a lot on my Chi.

(pause)

**Master Lou:** *suspicious* Don't mess with me!

(pause)

**Colonel:** *shrugs* Okay.

(fade out)

(fade in on the Colonels bathroom. Whatever it may have looked like before, the Colonel's new restroom is a wonder to behold. A solid gold toilet sits upon a raised platform, in the shade of an Oriental-style gazebo, with two Maneki Neko statues in front. A red carpet leads from the toilet to a wooden bridge, which crosses a decorative stream, complete with swimming fish. Paintings of cresting waves adorn the shimmering walls. The Colonel and Lou admire the spectacle.)

**Colonel:** Lou, I'm... speechless!

**Master Lou:** Yeah, you know... a fifty thousand dollar toilet will do that... You know that's how much that costs, right?

**Colonel:** Mmm-hmm.

**Master Lou:** I mean, just so we're clear, before we rip out the Cafeteria.

**Colonel:** I'll, uh... I'll catch up, uh... I gotta get, er, something, er, down on paper.

**Master Lou:** Oh- oh, you gotta get- I, I gotcha. Bathroom humor. That's great. You know any funny stuff about farts?

**Colonel:** Yeah.

(fade out)

(fade to Master Lou on the phone)

**Master Lou:** *into phone* Oh yeah, man, it's a goldmine. Insane amounts of money... No, man, he thinks I invented Feng Shui, you believe that? He's, like, "Captain Trusting..." Oh, yeah, you got a pen? *he produces a small card* Here's the social...

(fade out)

(fade in on Mei Ling and Otacon. In the background we hear the noises of power tools and construction)

**Mei Ling:** *covering her ears* What's going on out there?!

**Otacon:** *still concentrating on his hentai* Oh, Campbell hired a Feng Shui dude to redecorate the joint.

**Mei Ling:** Feng Shui?! That's not in the budget! How are we paying for all this?!

**Otacon:** Selling pot...

(long pause)

**Otacon:** ... holders... *holds up a handmade potholder* ... made of hemp...

(fade out)

(fade in on the Colonel and Master Lou sitting at a table laid out with an impressive spread of Oriental food. Raven stands across from them, wearing a traditional Oriental chefs outfit.)

**Colonel:** Yeah, so she goes, "Sixty-nine? You mean you want beef with broccoli?" Ahahahahahahaha *wipes tear from his eye*, I kill myself. Hahahahaha...

**Master Lou:** Yeah! Sexist and racist. Wow. Two in one. You have a gift.

**Colonel:** Hahaha, yeah, I got a tonne of them! So Raven, what am I eating here anyway?

**Raven:** Korean! For starters, musangchae. Then, bibimbap, with a kochujang pepper sauce, and this little guy over here, is a side of kimchi.

**Colonel:** No kidding.

**Master Lou:** Yeah, uh, kim, uh-

**Raven:** Kimichi.

**Master Lou:** - uh, chi, er, kimichi, dates back like a thhhh... uh, dates back a thousand years, to the uh... Ding Dong dynasty.

**Colonel:** Oh, sure, the Ding Dongs. Say, let's put some wind chimes up around here, whaddya say?

**Master Lou:** Colonel, listen to me. How can a wind chime work when you live in an airtight structure without any wind?

**Colonel:** *thinks about this for a while, then slowly nods in wonder* Is there nothing we can't learn when we look to the East?

**Master Lou:** Dude, that's why we're selling you the golden fans. To generate the wind.

(fade out)

(fade in on Octopus poking his pet stingray with a stick. Mei Ling enters)

**Mei Ling:** Hey, Octopus! Has anyone checked out this Master Lou guy?

**Octopus:** Stingray softly sleeps,

            My probing will not wake him,

            Sweet dreams, little one.

**Mei Ling:** What?!

**Octopus:** Haiku, baby! I just bought Master Lou's best selling book! Only $99.95!

(Octopus holds up a bunch of loose-leaf papers stapled together, with the title "How to Write Hikoo - By Master Lou" and the subheading "A Real Book" crudely lettered on the front page)

**Mei Ling:** Wait a minute!

**Octopus:** Hold on, I feel a haiku coming on...

(he continues to poke the stingray)

**Octopus:** I poke, poke his face,

            And yet he still ignores me,

            Poke, poke, poke, poke, pooooooke.

(fade out)

(fade in on Master Lou and the Colonel in the air-purification room. It's filled with a row of massive transparent bubbling water-filled tubes connected to some equipment)

**Master Lou:** This is all crap. I don't know who put these tubes here, but they've got to go. Okay, you need rocks, and wood and leaves and... you know.

**Colonel:** Hmm... I think we need those...

(ripple dissolve to Colonel and Otacon in the same room, but both have the traditional handlebar moustaches. Otacon is indicating some crude drawings and the chemical formula H2O (+-) NaCHO3 - O2 on a chalkboard with a laser pointer. He lectures the Colonel as a Kindergarten teacher would.)

**Otacon:** And that, Captain, is how these vaporators, make breathable air from the snow and bitter cold air outside. Any questions?

**Colonel:** Uh, yeah, can I borrow your moustache comb?

**Otacon:** ... No.

(ripple back to normal)

**Colonel:** Nope, guess not. Rip 'em out!

**Master Lou:** Excellent.

(fade out)

(fade in on Mei Ling at the phone)

**Mei Ling:** *to herself while dialling* I don't trust that Master Lou as far as I can throw him. I'm going to find out what's going on around here...

(the phone is answered on the other end, and a bland male voice answers*

**Voice:** FBI.

**Mei Ling:** Yeah, hi. I need you to run a background check on a "Master Lou," which may be an alias.

**Voice:** I'll just type that in.

(typing is heard in the background)

**Voice:** How'd you hear about us?

**Mei Ling:** My mother.

**Voice:** Okay, here's the results. He's wanted for fraud, theft by fraud, aaand- oh! Murder.

**Mei Ling:** I knew it!

**Voice:** Will you be needing anything else today, sir or ma'am?

**Mei Ling:** No, thank you.

**Voice:** Would you like to take advantage of our Wiretap Wednesdays?

**Mei Ling:** No, no, thank you.

**Voice:** No, thank you!

(fade out)

(fade in on Snake, Sniper Wolf and Liquid. Liquid has a throwing star, and Wolf has a pair of nunchucks. They are all barefoot)

**Liquid:** Check out this bitchin' shuriken Master Lou sold me!  Only a hundred bucks!

**Wolf:** I got nunchaku. *to Snake* What'd you get?

**Snake:** Uh... *pulls out a small origami swan* ... this crappy-ass bird.

(both Liquid and Wolf start laughing)

**Snake:** And, *pulls out a large Japanese sword* This ceremonial KATANA!

(Wolf and Liquid gape)

**Snake:** *draws and twirls a smaller, but similar, blade* With TANTO!

(Mei Ling enters)

**Mei Ling:** Hey! Where's Master Lou?

(the other three look at Mei Ling's feet)

**Snake:** Whoa, whoa, take your shoes off!

**Liquid:** Don't disrespect our dojo!

**Mei Ling:** Shut up. Master Lou...

(dramatic pause)

**Mei Ling:** Is an impostor!

(a moment's pause, and then everyone breaks into laughter)

**Liquid:** Girl, you may be hot, but you're an idiot! Hee hee hee-

(fade out)

(fade in on the Colonel and Master Lou look proudly upon where the vaporator equipment used to be. It is now all a mass of bamboo, stone arrangements, and a banner.)

**Colonel:** Ha ha ha! Good call on the bamboo, Lou!

**Master Lou:** Feels good, huh?

**Colonel:** Now let's put a Zen garden in the Pool Room. Hee hee hee hee hya ha ha ha! I feel kinda... light-headed, heh heh...

**Master Lou:** Yeah. You wanna totally ride that feeling, 'cause I'm stoked about this decision.

**Colonel:** Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

**Master Lou:** Yeah, man, hey.  Someone had told me that you're famous...

**Colonel:** Yeah?

**Master Lou:** So can I get your autograph?

(Master Lou produces the Deed to the HQ. Both he and the Colonel explode into more laughter.)

**Colonel:** Ha ha ha, yeah, alright...

(fade out)

(fade in on Snake, Liquid and Sniper Wolf still laughing. Liquid is eating potato chips.)

**Liquid:** Ha ha ha, duuuuuuuuuuuude...

**Mei Ling:** Listen to me people! *chuckles* He's swindled Konami out of millions!

(more laughing)

**Liquid:** What if the whole world *eats a chip* was like a giant video game?

**Wolf:** Hiyaaa! *whacks Liquid over the head with her nunchucks and grabs the chips*

**Liquid:** *laughs with everyone else* Ha ha, gimmie back my chips!

(the screen comes to life and Otacon is on it)

**Otacon:** (on screen) Hey, the vaporators have stopped working! Ha ha ha ha!

(Naomi enters)

**Naomi:** Nitrogen narcosis! Nitrogen narcosis is, heh heh heh, potentially fatal!

**Otacon:** And the reactors are offline! Ha ha! Hey, get Mantis onto this screen! Hahaha...

(everyone is laughing uncontrollably when Snake flips a switch and Mantis appears on screen. He's dressed up as a Geisha, with complete makeup)

**Mantis:** (on screen) Hai!

(everyone bursts into laughter again)

**Mei Ling:** Ha ha ha, hey, what're you doing?!

(Mantis moves the camera to show that the boiler room has had all the equipment replaced with Oriental-style paper walls)

**Mantis:** (on screen) Master Lou ripped out all the electronics! Turned the Reactor Room into a Japanese bath house!

**Mei Ling:** And forced you to dress like a Geisha?!

**Mantis:** (on screen) Uh, no! That was my idea! Why don't you come on down? Give you a body shampoo!

**Mei Ling:** *turns the screen off* With no vaporator, heh, and no heating, we're doomed!

(more laughter)

**Liquid:** Duuuuuude.

**Snake:** Oh man, that's great. Let's all go to the Pool Room and swim...

(fade out)

(fade in on the Colonel and Master Lou enter the Pool Room, which is now a Zen Garden complete with stone arrangements and wooden footbridge.)

**Colonel:** Ah ha ha ha, this, this Feng Shui stuff is great!

**Master Lou:** Look, I gotta, uh, I gotta skate. And you're totally outta money, right?

**Colonel:** Mmm-hmm.

**Master Lou:** So, uh, how do I get out of here and NOT go into the freezing Alaskan wastes?

(Snake, Liquid, Wolf and Mei Ling enter)

**Mei Ling:** Hold it right there, Lou! The FBI told me all about you!

**Master Lou:** Those guys, like, totally hate me. Hey, uh, if you remember, what did they tell ya about, uh, this?! *his body suddenly glows green and floats into the air, swirling with spectral energies*

**Liquid:** Mother- holy bajeezus!

**Wolf:** My God!

**Colonel:** Away! *dives into the pool*

**Master Lou:** You see this? See, see how my body's glowing like that? Yeah, lotta people can't do that. Come get some of this glowing!

(Ninja suddenly jumps in)

Ninja: Okay, bitch! Come get some of this ninja!

**Master Lou:** Okay... you want some. You want some of the glowing. Look, man, your soul? I'm gonna totally chew on it, and floss with your spirit. I read that somewhere. But I'll do it.

(Ninja and Master Lou leap into the air, and land on the wooden bridge facing each other in fighting stances, fighting-game style. They even have little icons and health meters floating above them. Pounding music starts as the word "FIGHT" appears in the middle of the screen. Ninja delivers a series of kicks to Lou's face, with video-game-style sound effects.)

(we zoom out, until we pop out of a TV and see Shade and his friend The James playing this game on the PS2)

**The James:** Face hit! Face hit!

**Shade:** This game is stupid, you spend an hour hanging wind chimes and then you fight?! What kind game is that?!

**The James:** Somersault, back kick, kick 'im in the back of the head, that's right Ninja-

**Shade:** - Hey, time out-

**The James:** - Hit 'im in the face again!

**Shade:** - Time out, my controller... uh, it's not working!

**The James:** Face hit!

**Shade:** Would you quit it?!

**The James:** Look at that! Look at how bad I'm beating you!

**Shade:** You know I, I slept wrong on my wrist two weeks ago, and it's unfair that you're making me play with my hands.

**The James:** Have you no shame? Get your dead arse up and fight me!

**Shade:** The James, for real, can we just time out a minute?

**The James:** No, you're dead. And I'm gonna desecrate your corpse.

**Shade:** You know what?! Video games are forbidden! *drops his controller* From now on! I'm not kidding! *walks away*

**The James:** That's right, get outta here. Ooh, sweet! It's the balloon stage! I'm solo on this. *continues playing* Bonus coconut!

(Shade returns, carrying a cricket bat)

**Shade:** WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?!

**The James:** Uh oh.

**Shade:** Yeagrh! *smashes the PS2 with his bat*

**The James:** Hey!

**Shade:** Rargh! *smashes into the console again, breaking the CD)

**The James:** Don't!

**Shade:** Here's your joy stick! *smashes The James' controller*

**The James:** I washed cars all month to get that game!

**Shade:** Well it's broken now, and guess what?   I'm gonna go break everything in your room-

**The James:** Don't you dare do that!

**Shade:** - because you're very disobedient!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Yoriko:** Because Simon and the James are fighting, I guess I'll do the outro... uhmm... have fun? ^^

(A/N: That fight is loosely based on a time when The James and myself played Tekken Tag Tournament. It ended in a very similar way, except that all I did was pull the power out. And the outro was really written by Yoriko, my girlfriend. I told her to just give a goodbye to the readers, and she did. So feel special, you fucking hippies!)


	5. Ice Station Zebra

**Shade:** Well, I lied. This chapter isn't about Snake at all, it's just more randomness. But this time, it doesn't fit in a storyline. Wait, that's just like the others!

**Readers:** Get on with it!

**Shade:** Shut up! *cough* Anyway, enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexay it huuuuuurts!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PART THE FIRST

ICE STATION ZEBRA

(fade in on Snake and Liquid playing the same game that Shade and the James were playing at the end of the last chapter, but instead of controlling Grey Fox and Master Lou, they play as Shade and the James)

**Snake:** (to Liquid) Oh, you want some more?

**Liquid:** No, wait...

**Snake:** You want some more of this?!

**Liquid:** Where's that blasted pixie?!

**Snake:** I don't know, and I don't care, 'cause check this out... BONUS COCONUT!

**Liquid:** Goddammit, I HATE this game!

(the image on the TV changes to that of an ice station sitting on the edge of a glacier, in the midst of a fierce snowstorm)

**Ice Station Crewmember 1:** (on screen) Help!

**Otacon:** (stops looking at his hentai) What?! Holy crap, that's Ice Station Zebra!

(image on TV changes to the Ice Station Crewmember inside the building)

**Crewmember 1:** (on screen) Thank God you're catching our signal! We ran out of food a month ago, and my partner... (whispers) He's going to eat me!

**Otacon:** What?

(footsteps are heard off-screen on the TV)

**Ice Station Crewmember 2:** (on screen) Hey, what's, uh... what's going on here?

**Crewmember 1:** (on screen) Nothing! Nothing's going on.

**Otacon:** This is the Konami Alaskan Headquarters, what's your status?

**Crewmember 1:** (on screen) He's tryin' to- (he's shoved below screen by Crewmember 2 to keep him from being heard)

**Crewmember 2:** (on screen) We're fine, we're... we're just fine. (chuckles) He's just wiggin' out... Heh, aren't you, guy?

**Crewmember 1:** (on screen) Uh...

**Crewmember 2:** (on screen) Seasonal Affective Disorder.

(Naomi, who has been listening, walks in)

**Naomi:** Well, it sounds like he needs urgent medical attention. We're going to check it out.

**Crewmember 2:** (on screen) No! I mean, there's no r-... There's really no need for something like that to happen, right?

**Crewmember 1:** (on screen) (Sticks head up) Yes there is! (Gets pushed back down)

**Snake:** Okay, we're on our way. (grabs the PA system mic) Everyone! Meet up at the Konami submarine, the 'RETRO'!

**Crewmember 2:** (on screen) Seriously, guys we're fine here. Mmm-hmm. Hello?

_(fade out)_

(fade in on the inside of Ice Station Zebra, where both crew members are hunched over, covering themselves with blankets)

**Crewmember 2:** *sigh* Now you've done it, bothering these people with your crazy lying lies about cannibalism.

**Crewmember 1:** Uh... Uh...

**Crewmember 2:** Now you get in your pot! (he indicates a large pot filled with boiling water, a fire underneath it)

_(fade out)_

(fade in on the interior of the submarine Retro. Liquid commands it, looking through the periscope. Everyone else [Snake, Otacon, Meryl, Naomi, Mei Ling, Ocelot, Raven, Wolf, Grey Fox and Campbell] is manning various stations)

**Liquid:** Ah, it's good to be in a ship.

**Snake:** Why the hell are you in command!?

**Liquid:** Did you pilot a Metal Gear?! Huh?! DID YOU!?

_(long pause)_

**Liquid:** That's what I thought. Is everyone ready?

**Everyone:** Yes!

**Liquid:** (slowly) Oh-kay.

**Everyone:** Let's go!

**Liquid:** (slowly) Oh-kay.

**Mei Ling:** Ugh, c'mon already.

**Liquid:** (slowly) Oh-kay.

**Wolf:** LIQUID!

**Liquid:** Bow planes up, ninety degrees.

**Raven:** Aye aye, Cossack!

(A mechanical grinding sound is heard, and the sub awkwardly climbs a bit and stops. A German Naval Officer enters)

**German Sailor:** Nein nein, was machst du da? Das Boot kann nicht austeigen so.

_(long pause)_

**Snake:** Who the hell is this?

**Liquid:** Oh, he came with the sub. He's cool.

**German Sailor:** Wem erzählen sie das!

**Naomi:** (calling out) Does anyone here speak German?

**German Sailor:** Ja!

**Naomi:** Not you.

_(long pause)_

**German Sailor:** Ich spreche Deutsch.

**Naomi:** Not YOU!

**German Sailor:** Was?

**Naomi:** Shut up!

**German Sailor:** (pulls out Luger and fires it into the air) Sieg Heil!

**Ocelot:** What the?! Stop that!

**Otacon:** Uhmm... (attempts to speak German) Meine Reduzierung ist vom versilberten Kraftfahrzeug Aalen der Luftluftfeder des Bergwerks vollständig.

**German Sailor:**  Was? Das ist eine Kleinigkeit!

**Mei Ling:** (very impressed) Otacon, you know German?

**Otacon:** (blushes as Mei Ling looks at him) Uh, yeah, I'm like totally fluent.

**German Sailor:** Lügen haben kurze Beine!

**Liquid:** (slams the periscope down) Hey! We got a rescue mission to do here, people. Now take us to the damn surface!

(the sub climbs)

**German Sailor:** Dummkopf.

**Liquid:** Shut up!

_(fade out)_

(fade in on the crewmembers as they shiver anxiously next to the bubbling pot)

**Crewmember 2:** Shut up, and get in that pot.

**Crewmember 1:** Todd, wait! They're gonna be here with food in a few minutes.

**Crewmember 2 (Todd):** (sarcastically) I know they're gonna be here in a few minutes, I can't wait that long, okay?

**Crewmember 1:** You've already waited a month!

**Todd:** Yes, so obviously I don't care to wait any longer, okay?

**Crewmember 1:** Todd, you just can't eat me like this.

**Todd:** (mockingly) Uh-huh, yeah, I know. That's why we've got the boiling water.

_(fade out)_

(fade in on Liquid, the German Sailor and Mei Ling)

**Mei Ling:** Wait wait, you're telling me that this German guy came with the sub?!

**German Sailor:**  Das ist korrekt, Schlampe.

**Liquid:** Just give him some Schnapps.

(screen lights up, and Todd is standing there)

**Todd:** (on screen) Hello!

**Liquid:** What's up, dude?

**Todd:** (on screen) Uh, not much, not much. Hey, you guys have any spices down there? You know herb d'provence? Jerk rub?

**Liquid:** What for?

**Crewmember 1:** (not seen, but heard on screen) He's cooking me!

**Todd:** (on screen) "FOR him!" He means "for him." He's-

**Crewmember 1:** (same as before) No, no, I don't!

**Todd:** (on screen) He's a nut. Well... you seem busy.

**Otacon:** (watching different monitor) Okay, ten meteres... five meteres... we should be breaking the surface right about-

(The sub abruptly slams into the glacier that Ice Station Zebra is on, breaking it away, and sending it floating off into the sea. Red alert lights and sirens go off inside the sub as it shakes uncontrollably.)

**Liquid:** Jesus, Otacon!

_(fade out)_

(fade in on the occupants of Ice Station Zebra)

**Todd:** Whoa, whoa, what the hell was that?

**Crewmember 1:** The Hand of God is punishing you!

**Todd:** Yeah, the Hand of God...  There is no God!

_(fade out)_

(fade in on the interior of the sub)

**Liquid:** Ow, my eye!

**Mei Ling:** We hit something! (points at her moniter, which reads "You've hit something!")

**Liquid:** The periscope poked me in the eye!

**German Sailor:** Ich habe es Dich gesagt...

**Naomi:** SHUT UP!!!

**German Sailor:** Scheißekopf.

**Liquid:** Wolf, damage report!

**Wolf:** I'm fine, thank you!

**Liquid:** The sub, you idiot!

**Wolf:** Oh, right. The propulsion drive is damaged! (points at her moniter, which reads "Propulsion drive damaged!!!")

**Otacon:** Shit! What are we going to do now?!

**German Sailor:** Das ist eine berechtige Frage. Haha.

_(fade out)_

(fade in on the occupants of Ice Station Zebra)

**Todd:** Sweet God, we're seaborne!

**Crewmember 1:** I don't know how this could be any worse.

**Todd:** Oh, shut up!

**Crewmember 1:** Seriously, Todd, name one thing worse than this.

(the crewmembers scream as the station flips over in the water. Random smashing sounds and chaos)

**Crewmember 1:** Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!

**Todd:** Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa whoa whoa!

(on the wall inside we see a small sign labeled "Up" with an upward-pointing arrow. It's upside-down.)

**Todd:** Yeah, thanks, "Hand o' God!"

_(fade out)_

(fade in on Liquid swimming around the bottom of the sub)

**Liquid:** There's nothing wrong with my ship! I keep telling you!

(he approaches a clearly broken fin on the bottom of the sub)

**Liquid:** Oh, is this part supposed to be smashed like this?

_(fade out)_

(fade in on Snake, Meryl and the German Sailor)

**Snake:** What do you think we hit?

**Meryl:** I'm gonna go with "iceberg".

**German Sailor:** Sie sind intelligent so wie schön.

**Meryl:** (flattered) Oh, I don't know what that means, but thank you!

**German Sailor:** Das ist schon ganz egal.

**Meryl:** Wow, German is beautiful.

**German Sailor:** (gestures at Meryls breasts) Auch ihre Melonen.

**Snake:** (sarcastically) Maybe you can try to get in her pants a little later!

**Meryl:** Snake!

**German Sailor:** Das ist von ihnen sehr gastfreundlich.

**Meryl:** (to Snake) What is your problem?!

**Snake:** This damned rescue! It's hopeless!

**German Sailor:**  Ja mit dieser Haltung.

**Meryl:** It's not hopeless! Once Liquid fixes the propulsion drive-

**Snake:** Liquid couldn't fix a sandwich!

_(fade out)_

(fade in on Liquid finishing welding a large metal patch on to the broken fin)

**Liquid:** Okay, that's done.

(pieces of a sandwich float by)

**Liquid:** Now it's time for a mouth-watering club sandwich!

_(fade out)_

(fade in on the occupants of Ice Station Zebra)

**Todd:** Get in the pot so I can stun you!

**Crewmember 1:** No! How the... How are you even gonna explain this?

**Todd:** When they find your guts strung up in here like Christmas lights.

**Crewmember 1:** What?!

**Todd:** Wait, wait, did you say... Look, it... that doesn't matter, I'm gonna eat the Konami people, too, man.

**Crewmember 1:** You're mad!

**Todd:** Yeah! There's a difference.

_(fade out)_

(fade in on Liquid, Otacon and the German Sailor)

**Otacon:** Liquid, get us a coordinate or else we'll be driving around for a hundred years!

**Liquid:** Yeah, thanks to my kick-arse welding.

**German Sailor:** Werden sie den Rest der Sandwich essen?

**Liquid:** *burps* Nah, I'm stuffed. But YOU can't have it!

**German Sailor:** *groans angrily* Geck...

**Liquid:** Hey, you want a sandwich? Go float around in the sub-freezing water and somehow, miraculously, make your own!

**Otacon:** Yeah, how'd you do that anyway?

**Liquid:** Not sure, I kinda blacked out.

**German Sailor:** Ich bezweifle das sehr viel.

**Otacon:** Yeah, yeah... Fahrvergnügen.

**German Sailor:** Was?

**Liquid:** (to the monitor) Hey, Ice Station dudes, come in!

**Todd:** (on screen) Hey, guy, how's it going?

**Otacon:** Zebra, we need your location.

(the large pot, with a fire lit underneath, is visible behind Todd)

**Todd:** (on screen) Oh, we're floating around upside down here somewhere and, uh-

**Liquid:** Wh-why the hell around you floating around?

**German Sailor:**  Weil du das Eisberg anfuhr.

**Todd:** (on screen) Yeah, that.

**Crewmember 1:** (pops on screen) Get me out of here!

**Todd:** (on screen) Hey, look, when you guys get here, send some fat guys in first, okay?  Someone-

**Crewmember 1:** (pops on-screen) Look out, he's gonna eat you!

**Otacon:** What?

**Todd:** (on screen) Pac-Man. That's what he's doin'. (chuckles) Listen to him, he's playing Pac-man back there. And uh... send the fat guys!

**Liquid:** They got Pac-Man?! Sweet! I call dibs!

_(fade out)_

(fade in on the occupants of Ice Station Zebra)

**Todd:** This won't hurt.

**Crewmember 1:** Yes it will, Todd!

**Todd:** Alright, just the initial blow, yes it will, I won't lie to you, it's gonna hurt like you won't frickin' believe.

**Crewmember 1:** Todd?!

**Todd:** Look, then you'll be in shock and it'll be great.

(a grinding noise is heard)

**Crewmember 1:** Wait, wait, d-did you hear that?

_(fade out)_

(fade in on the interior of the submarine Retro as it grinds against the bottom of the glacier)

**Raven:** (banging things with a wrench) What the hell's wrong with this thing!?

**Snake:** (to Ocelot) What are you doing wrong?

**Ocelot:** Nothing! Wait, what are YOU doing?!

**Snake:** (turning a large valve handle) I'm, uh, helping steer from back here.

**German Sailor:** Das ist nicht ein Löschzug, Trottel!

(a faint tapping is heard)

**Wolf:** People, listen!

**Meryl:** (hitting a lever) Fuck, this submarine makes no sense! (to Liquid) What the hell does this do?!

**Liquid:** Who am I, Cornelius Drebbel, inventor of the submarine?!

**German Sailor:** Sieg Heil, Cornelius Drebbel!

**Wolf:** Guys, shut up!

**German Sailor:**  Cornelius Drebbel! (pulls out his luger and starts firing it randomly ten times. One bullet hits Liquids bag of chips)

**Liquid:** My chips!

**Mei Ling:** (cowering) Oh, God...

**Snake:** Stop it!

**German Sailor:** Sieg Heil, Cornelius Drebbel! (loads in a new magazine and fires another ten shots)

**Snake:** (sneaks up behind the German and taps him on the shoulder) STOP IT!

(the German Sailor fires one more shot)

**Snake:** You idiot!

**German Sailor:** Was?

_(fade out)_

(fade in on the crewmembers of Ice Station Zebra tapping on the bottom of their hull with sticks, trying to signal the submarine)

**Crewmember 1:** Th-that was their submarine... They can find us with the sonar and you can have all the food you want.

**Todd:** Yeah, we'll lure them in one by one! Hey, man, I am sorry about trying to eat you.

**Crewmember 1:** And I forgive you like crazy, now keep pounding! Pound, for all you're worth!

**Todd:** Let's just have fun with it.

_(fade out)_

(fade in on Otacon, the German Sailor, Wolf and Liquid)

**Otacon:** Sounds like someone is pounding on a metal hull... That's S.O.S.!

(the German Sailor is banging a jar of pickles against the submarines hull and hitting it with the butt of his Luger, trying to open it)

**German Sailor:** öffnest du Miststück!

**Otacon:** What the... stop that!

**German Sailor:** Ich wünsche wirklich diese Gurken!

**Otacon:** STOP IT!

**Wolf:** Guys, look!

(through the window, the upside-down building is seen through the murky waters)

**Snake:** That's Ice Station Zebra!

**Liquid:** Again, dibs on Pac-Man!

**Snake:** Shut up, and get 'em on the two-way.

**Liquid:** Come in, Zebra! Wakka, wakka, wakka!

**Todd:** (on screen) Hey! Hey, buddy!

**Liquid:** We're right outside, dude. And I got a bag o' quarters!

**Todd:** (on screen) For... for what?

**Liquid:** Wakka wakka wakka!

**Todd:** (on screen) Yeah, that...

**Snake:** ZEBRA!

**Todd:** (on screen) Hey-

**Snake:** Here's the plan. Liquid is going to drill a hole in your hull.

**Liquid:** Wakka, wakka, wakka!

**Snake:** (to Todd) According to Otacon, that's gonna equalize the pressure, so we can begin the extraction. See you in a minute, Zebra!

**Todd:** (on screen) Yeah, hey-

**Snake:** Godspeed.

**Todd:** Wait, do you guys have a bonesaw?

(the monitor flicks off)

**Snake:** I hereby take command of the mission!

**Liquid:** Wakka wakka wakka!

**Snake:** Liquid, get out there. And Meryl...?

(giggling is heard as we see Debbie in a dark red dress, wearing the Sailors hat, and caressing his face)

**Meryl:** Ha ha, okay!

**German Sailor:** Ja mein Lieb...

**Snake:** MERYL!!!

**Meryl:** What?

**Snake:** What - Whoa!  Whoa!  Don't "what" me, woman!  And you, get your greasy hands off her!

**German Sailor:** Alles ist in der Liebe und im Krieg angemessen.

**Snake:** Meryl, get the wetsuits ready!

**Meryl:** Okay, God! Flip out a little!

**German Sailor:** Ich warte für dich Liebchen.

_(fade out)_

(fade in on Liquid drilling a hole into an exposed piece of metal on the outside of the Ice Station)

**Liquid:** I am absolutely riddled with Pac-Man fever!

_(fade out)_

(fade in on the two crew members watching as the drill bit pierces the metal, springing a leak)

**Todd:** Alright, now when he gets in here, be cool, just act natural.

**Crewmember 1:** Natural how?

**Todd:** Natural like... we're not gonna bash him in the face and skin all the meat off his bones

**Crewmember 1:** Why don't we just go with those people and eat regular food, and not... those people?

**Todd:** Oh, God, you still do not get it, do you?

_(fade out)_

(fade in on the inside of the submarine)

**Snake:** (to Meryl) What do you mean "there are none?"   Without wetsuits we can't rescue them.  They'll freeze to death!  Why the hell didn't you pack them?!

_(fade out)_

(fade in on Liquid entering the Ice Station. He and Todd shake hands)

**Liquid:** Wakka wakka wakka!

**Todd:** My God, your hands are freezing, man. How'd you like a hot bath, there, buddy?

**Liquid:** Um... Okay. That'll gimme a chance to wash the potatoes, and onions, and carrots I brought for you guys. (holds up a large sack with "Soup Fixin's" written on it)

**Todd:** Hey, aren't you made of meat.

_(long pause)_

**Todd:** I mean, thoughtful.

_(fade out)_

(fade in on Meryl, Snake and the German Sailor inside the submarine. The German Sailor and Meryl continue to caress each other)

**Meryl:** (to Snake) Yes, it's terrible.  And, yes, I suppose I should've packed extra wetsuits instead of this dress.

**German Sailor:** Unsinn! Du bist sehr hübsch!

**Meryl:** Thank you. (to Snake) But what's done is done.  You've just got to tell them the truth.

**Snake:** What? That they're going to die?

**German Sailor:** Krieg ist Hölle!

**Snake:** Shut up!

**German Sailor:** Sieg Heil!

**Snake:** STOP THAT! (storms off)

**German Sailor:** (to Meryl and in English) Perhaps he's not angry, he's just hungry.

(he and Meryl walk over to Snake, who is calling the Ice Station)

**Snake:** Zebra? This is Retro, come in!

**Todd:** (on screen) Hey, guy! Ya'll, uh... have any tortillas, like... like eight feet in diameter?

**Snake:** No, but-

**Crewmember 1:** (on screen) Fajitas!

**Snake:** Where's Liquid?

(on the monitor we see a pair of flippers floating in a yellow broth as Crewmember 1 stirs it with a long stick. Both crewmembers are wearing lobster bibs with Liquid's face drawn on them.)

**Todd:** (on screen) Oh, didn't you see... he went back to where, uh, you know... you are.

(Liquid's hand and his head float to the top of the soup momentarily)

**Snake:** Okay... Listen, I've got bad news.

**Todd:** (on screen) Oh, don't sweat the tortillas, man, that was a pipe dream.

**Snake:** No, we don't have any more wetsuits. So what I'm saying is... You... Both of you... are going to starve to death.

_(long pause)_

**Todd:** (on screen) (bursts out laughing) I seriously doubt that!

**Crewmember 1:** (on screen) (laughing) Oh dear God.

**Todd:** (on screen) Well, whatever.

**Snake:** I'm sorry... But, uh, while you wait for death, could we... I dunno, play some music for you?

**Todd:** (on screen) Yeah, some dinner music would be great.

**Snake:** Dinner music?

_(fade out)_

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**Shade:** Fun, ain't it? Okay, that's the end of part 1, and here's a short, but sweet, bit.

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(fade in on Snake, Meryl and Otacon watching TV)

**Snake:** God, this is damn boring.

**Meryl:** Well, what should we do?

**Otacon:** (checks the TV guide) Uh, just channel surf. Nothing good on.

**Snake:** Whatever. (flips on the TV)

**Otacon:** Wait! Channel 41! It's got a new series on it.

**Meryl:** What's it called?

**Otacon:** Uh... Behind The Fan Fiction.

**Snake:** The what now?

**Otacon:** I have no idea what it's about either, but it seems to be about some guy named Simon Wolf-Gough.

**Snake:** I meant what the hell fan fiction is.

**Otacon:** You don't know?! It's so funny! People write these kooky stories about us!

**Meryl:** Us?

**Otacon:** It's insane, I know, but some of them are alright.

**Snake:** Like what?

**Otacon:** Well, there's this one where me and Mei Ling are in love.

_(long pause)_

**Snake:** Like THAT would ever happen.

**Otacon:** Shut up. Anyways, there's another one where you're in command of a special ops team called ECLIPSE.

**Snake:** What kind of half-assed name is that?!

**Otacon:** Not sure. But the guy this show is about is even kookier.

**Snake:** Example.

**Otacon:** Well, he's written several fics about us called Behind The Game.

**Snake:** Jesus.

**Otacon:** And then there's his Darkness Trilogy. I tried reading it, but the damn thing had so many plot holes, I couldn't understand it.

**Snake:** But at least he didn't write about anything sick, like my penis.

_(long pause)_

**Snake:** You've gotta be kidding me.

**Meryl:** Guys! Shut up! The show's about to start!

(the camera zooms in on the TV, and the show begins...)

**Announcer:** Welcome to Behind The Fan Fiction. This week, we look at Simon Wolf-Gough, otherwise known as Shade Wolf. His story begins somewhere in Australia...

(cut to Simon's mother)

**Simon's Mother:** My son is what you'd call... a freak. He sits around and plays video games all day, writes stories about them and... eats Japanese food!

(cut to Simon's father)

Simon's Father: When my son told me he wanted to become an author, I smacked him upside the head and told him that if he wanted to do that, he might as well just throw all his money away, sit around, pretend to write all day and live with us until he's 35.

**Announcer:** But his family don't know the author side of him. Here's some confessions from friends of his, and what they think of his writing...

(cut to Chicken Fox)

**Chicken Fox:** Shade Wolf? Yeah, he's not... he's... I'm not very impressed by his work, actually. He's not very original. Pretty much takes his ideas from TV and movies and puts them in his fics, really, so I... not very impressed! I'm not that impressed, really. 

_(long pause)_

**Chicken Fox:** I mean, I don't do things like that. *cough*

(cut to Yoriko Obato)

**Yoriko:** Simon? My boyfriend? I've read his stuff. He's about as funny as a brain tumor, which isn't very funny at all!

(cut to Kat UK)

**Kat UK:** Yeah, I remember in high school when me and Simon would go behind the bike sheds all the time for... certain reasons. Uh, he usually didn't want to go, but I made him. Usually ended up with his money afterwards, but whatever. He used to talk about Metal Gear Solid all the time, saying stuff like "I'm Solid Snake!" Yeah, I thought he was a nerd, but... well, actually, he still is a nerd. Ya freakin' nerd! God! You're... YOU'RE A NERD!

**Announcer:** And what does Simon have to say about all this?

(cut to Shade)

**Shade:** I don't care what you all think. I take great pride in knowing that all my jokes are original.

_(long pause)_

**Shade:** What?

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**Shade:** And that's the end. Tune in next time for your dose of hilarity!


End file.
